


#windbagsunited

by fernando



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Gen, and probably many more idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-23 09:22:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 9,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9649589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fernando/pseuds/fernando
Summary: hammertime added seb, bwoah, and princess to the group chatprincess: why*aka the group chat fic no one wanted





	1. fernando the sassmaster

_hammertime added seb, bwoah, and princess to the group chat_

princess: why

hammertime: because your my friends and i love to watch you suffer thats why

seb: *you're

hammertime: shut up seb

hammertime: anyway kimi doesn't care otherwise he would have said something by now

seb: yeah but it's kimi he barely talks anyway

hammertime: he talks to you

princess: a lot might i just add

seb: yeah but that's because he likes me :)

hammertime: what makes you so special?

seb: surprisingly we have a lot in common

seb: we both hate listening to you talk

princess: lol

hammertime: damn thats hurtful

bwoah: :)

hammertime: holy shit

princess: holy shit

*

seb: omfg i need to add ferdno to this chat

princess: ferdno?

hammertime: i think he means fernando

hammertime: i hope so anyway

princess: seb you do realise that fernando isn't going to like you if you deliberately butcher his name right?

seb: nah he finds it funny. he told me so

hammertime: did his eye twitch when he said it

seb: err yeah?

hammertime: then you're dead lol

_seb added nano to the group chat_

nano: why

princess: i asked the same thing. glad to know we're on the same page

seb: because ferndoo we're all friends here

nano: until you stop spelling my name wrong then 'friends' doesn't exist in my vocabulary

nano: i looked it up in the dictionary and i don't see it. where is it seb. where the fuck is it

hammertime: ahhh i love it when fernando gets all sarcastic and sassy

nano: i feel so appreciated

hammertime: :)

seb: wow this is a friendship i didn't know i needed until now

bwoah: amazing

princess: i thought we were in this together

nano: not really. i have nothing better to do so might as well waste my time with this

princess: i hate you all

*

seb: anyway we all know that stoffel is fernando's waffle son

hammertime: then what's jenson supposed to be?

seb: obviously fernando's husband. together they form the mchonda power couple. the mcdads

princess: you make them sound so spectacular

nano: that's because we are

_seb added buttons to the group chat_

buttons: i was waiting for this to be a reality

princess: wait you knew about this?

nano: he's been here the whole time looking over my shoulder

buttons: thank god i didn't have to resort to pressuring nano to invite me

buttons: anyway isn't kimi supposed to be here?

hammertime: yeah but he hasn't talked in like 1000 years

bwoah: i have a life

hammertime: now it's back to 0 and counting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not funny lol


	2. seb confesses his love for the ice cream man

seb: jenson

buttons: hm?

seb: answer me truthfully

buttons: okay...?

seb: is *takes deep breath*

hammertime: did you literally just type 'takes deep breath'

princess: for fucks sake just get on with it

seb: is fernando immortal?

princess: sebastian asking the real questions

princess: obviously

hammertime: of course he is. do you see him aging?

buttons: lewis is right, fernando has aged like a fine wine

bwoah: he also has more than one life

seb: so he's like a cat then? with the 9 lives?

hammertime: nothing can kill the fucker

buttons: he devours the life force of his enemies

princess: hey lewis maybe that's why you've been feeling weak lately

hammertime: fuck you

*

seb: hey kimi

bwoah: hm?

seb: looks like it's just us two

bwoah: seems like it

seb: *wink wink nudge nudge*

bwoah: what are you trying to hint at?

seb: look i just wanted to say... i love you

bwoah: sebastian

seb: and i feel like you're the only one who really understands me

bwoah: seb

bwoah: i love you too

seb: really?

bwoah: you're a really good friend

hammertime: HOLY SHIT

nano: ouch

hammertime: HE JUST GOT REJECTED SO HARD

hammertime: HOW DOES THE FRIENDZONE FEEL??

seb: what. the. FUCK

seb: I'M NEVER SPEAKING EVER AGAIN

nano: thank god

*

buttons: you need to stop moping

nano: yeah i can't make fun of you when you're really sad. it's like kicking a puppy

buttons: there is a light at the end of the tunnel though

seb: ???

buttons: kimi does genuinely value your friendship. you're the only person he actually smiles around

buttons: it may not be what you're looking for but with kimi... you've got a friend for life

seb: !!!

nano: there's hope yet

*

seb: KIMI

bwoah: fernando said you were upset. i'm sorry

seb: NO IT'S OKAY

seb: I UNDERSTAND

bwoah: we are still friends?

seb: YES WE'RE FRIENDS WE'LL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT

seb: *online hugs :):):):)*

bwoah: seb no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will kimi ever accept seb's love? probably  
> will fernando ever stop making fun of seb? not likely


	3. world champions club

hammertime: welcome to the 'world champions' club

seb: enjoy your stay!

princess: thanks guys. i still can't believe it :)

buttons: we can see that

nano: do you sleep with your trophy?

hammertime: how did viv react when you told her you were cheating on her with the trophy lol

princess: don't even joke about that

hammertime: :(

seb: you better win it next year. gotta keep lewis from getting his hands on it

hammertime: hey!

seb: dude you gotta let someone else have their time to shine

buttons: says the guy who somehow won 2012 despite finishing 6th

nano: that still hurts

seb: sorry :(:(:(

nano: don't even talk to me about it

*

buttons: wait you're retiring

nano: wow

hammertime: well can't say i'm surprised

nano: no matter what you decide to do, no respect will be lost between us

princess: thank you

seb: BUT WHY???

princess: can't lose the title if i don't race next year

princess: :)

hammertime: is that a meme

*

princess: it's going to be weird not being on the grid next year

seb: it's gonna be weird not seeing you

nano: at least you ended on a high

hammertime: do i sense some bitterness?

nano: no

princess: anyway i have to go, vivian and alaïa are waiting for me

nano: goodbye my friend

seb: good luck!

buttons: enjoy retirement. i know i will lol

bwoah: bye

hammertime: yeah... bye

_princess has left the chat_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this got sad all of a sudden


	4. felipe, fernando's faster than you :)

seb: hey lewis, have you heard?

hammertime: hm?

seb: valtteri's gonna be your new teammate!!!

hammertime: ...

hammertime: oh no i didn't know that at all. my god, such a huge decision and the first i hear of it is from you??? blasphemy

seb: don't take that tone of voice with me

hammertime: you asked for it

seb: i bet you wanted fernando as your teammate though right? :)

hammertime: if this is going where i think it's going you can go away

seb: :):):):)

hammertime: go away

seb: anyway i think this calls for some desperate measures

_seb invited valtteri.bottas to the group chat_

hammertime: i don't think valtteri wants to be dragged into this shitshow

valtteri.bottas: no it's okay. i've always wanted to see what the big deal was

hammertime: everyone knows about this?

valtteri.bottas: are you kidding? this is more of a legend than the loch ness monster

seb: so i created something big? omg "first of all i'd like to thank..."

valtteri.bottas: no one wants to hear your great acceptance speech thanks

hammertime: i can't wait until the start of the season lol

_seb has changed valtteri.bottas name to botsass_

seb: seems appropriate methinks

*

seb: so felipe's back

seb: i personally saw this coming but no one listens when you're this cute

nano: or maybe no one listens because everyone tunes you out? i know i do

nano: press conferences are great. for example, every time sebastian speaks i just hear the sound pacman makes when he dies instead

seb: i thought you said you don't play video games? i thought you laughed at the idea of fun

nano: i grew up in the 80s. you do the math

_felipe has been added to the group chat_

nano: oh great

felipe: fancy meeting you here

hammertime: it's not that great of a coincidence considering everyone will, or has, been invited to this chat

felipe: yeah but still

seb: i thought you two were on good terms with each other now?

nano: we are but there's still tension

felipe: yeah. when your teammate fucks you over to fulfil his own needs who cares about being bitter? "just get over it already" like no fuck off

hammertime: fernando is still here y'know

felipe: what makes you think i'm talking about him

nano: oh please we all know what you think about me

seb: hey felipe, i can see that you're angry

seb: is it because

nano: if you're going to say what i think you're going to say then stop immediately

felipe: don't do it

seb: fernando's faster than you?

nano: right i'm leaving

_nano has left the group chat_

hammertime: me too

_hammertime has left the group chat_

felipe: OH MY GOOOOOOOD FUCK OFF

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> botsass enters the game and felipe wants that fucking joke to die


	5. please ban shoeys

_honey badger entered the group chat_

honey badger: hello?

honey badger: is anybody alive out there?!?!

honey badger: did anyone get that reference orrrrrrr

honey badger: wow this is awkward

honey badger: awwwww, this isn't how i imagined it'd be at all. i thought it'd be like... loads of gossip and bitchin' behind peoples backs

honey badger: guess i got my hopes up

honey badger: welp seems like i'll just have to do a shoey on my own then. sorry guys but you missin out

seb: PLEASE DON'T

hammertime: for the love of all that is holy do not!!

nano: i will actually puke if you do that

bwoah: spare us

*

honey badger: so you guys were here the whole time?

hammertime: yeah

honey badger: why didn't you say anything

nano: we wanted to see what you would do

seb: sorta like an animal documentary

honey badger: nah you guys just wanted to see me embarrass myself. well I SEE YOU

honey badger: i also see felipe. FELIPE, HEY!

nano: he can't hear you as this is a chat on our phones. unless he now has superpowers or something

honey badger: err is he okay? it looks like he's having an aneurysm

bwoah: he'll be fine

hammertime: hopefully

honey badger: but... why... what???

seb: funny story actually

nano: so funny in fact that we can't get into it

seb: awww fernando!!! :(

honey badger: fernandoooooooo :(

nano: sorry

hammertime: you're not sorry are you

nano: no

*

seb: i don't understand the whole shoey concept though like

seb: why would you do that to yourself

honey badger: it's just a bit of fun

hammertime: nico didn't seem to find it fun

nano: you made mark do it. i will never forgive you for that

seb: fernando's on the warpath because you've condemned his precious mark webber to a life of shoeys lol

seb: only few survive

nano: he's my friend and someone has to protect his honour

honey badger: awww this is so sweet. if slightly terrifying for me (should i be scared?????)

hammertime: i feel like this should be a quote in hagakure or something

seb: i feel like everytime fernando says something now, it should be a quote in hagakure bc the more he speaks the more it sounds like something a samurai would say

seb: it's awesome because holy shit he sounds like some badass wise warrior. but then it's also quite scary because if you apply it to a race, it's really fucking intimidating

hammertime: ...

honey badger: o_o

nano: ...

nano: thank you sebastian for your... wonderful insight

seb: :)

buttons: how did the topic of conversation go from shoeys and how horrific they are to how fernando sounds more like a samurai every day?

hammertime: this chat is a trainwreck in all honesty

buttons: ...

buttons: that's true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> daniel ricciardo has entered the building and this story is a trainwreck. thanks lewis and jenson for summing it up for me at the end there  
> (i also can't believe that this is my most popular story i've written ever lol)  
> this chapter is also for Pat because they wanted some honey badger :)


	6. sebastian 'crybaby' vettel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is pretty much about fernando's crash in australia. if you feel uncomfortable about this topic, then please don't read it. i wouldn't want to make anyone upset or uncomfortable. if this applies to you, then wait for the next chapter which will be much happier, i assure you

seb: so

seb: the 2017 season is going to start soon

hammertime: it is. personally, i can't wait

seb: well, let's hope that it gets off to a... less explosive start

hammertime: what do you mean?

seb: well fernando had that crash didn't he?

hammertime: oh yeah. thank fuck he was okay

seb: mhm

bwoah: it was a scary crash

seb: hell yeah it was! i remember being so angry at the red flags, thinking that they were the reason why my race was fucked

seb: but then when i found out why the red flags came out... god, i could barely believe it. i was just so pissed that my race had been fucked when fernando could have died! we could have lost him...

hammertime: you didn't know. we all didn't know

bwoah: he seemed pretty calm about the whole thing

hammertime: turns out it was all a front. mark talked to him after everything had calmed down and got him to get rid of the whole media-face bullshit. nando was pretty shaken up

seb: he was doing flips and shit. he did a barrel roll across the whole track. he had to CRAWL out of his CAR lewis!!!

hammertime: seb please calm down

hammertime: seb

hammertime: seb?

buttons: was that sebastian i just saw running across the paddock?

hammertime: oh god. what direction was he running in?

buttons: to the mclaren motorhome

hammertime: fernando's gonna get a lovely surprise

buttons: do i want to know?

hammertime: he's going to get hug attacked by a crazy german

buttons: oh

hammertime: sorry

*

nano: i just got hug attacked by a crazy german

hammertime: are you okay?

nano: i'm fine. sebastian on the other hand...

hammertime: ...

nano: he was crying all over me. it was gross. i'm pretty sure i have some sort of disease now

honey badger: oh no! you'll suddenly have the urge to point your finger in the air!!

nano: if that's what i get when sebastian hugs me, i better not let you hug me. i might have the sudden urge to drink out of a shoe

hammertime: ooooooooooh

honey badger: :(

nano: anyway what was that about anyway? i tried asking him but he just cried harder

hammertime: it was about your crash

nano: what?

hammertime: you know, the one in australia?

nano: oh, i see

hammertime: it was nothing. seb was just upset because he thought he was acting insensitive throughout the whole thing

nano: ...

hammertime: fernando?

hammertime: nando

hammertime: hey jenson, you there?

buttons: yeah

hammertime: have you seen fernando in the past 5 minutes?

buttons: oh yeah. i was actually going to ask you why he looked distressed and vaguely upset

hammertime: fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sebastian cries a lot, fernando experiences flashbacks, and daniel gets roasted


	7. stoffel the waffle

_stoffel waffle was invited to the group chat_

seb: STOFF

stoffel waffle: erm

seb: STOFFEL

hammertime: seb please

seb: YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING YOUR TIME TO SHINE KIDDO

stoffel waffle: i know, it feels great! :)

seb: LEWLEW LOOKS AT HIM HE'S SO CUTE!!! SO ENTHUSIASTIC SO EXCITED

stoffel waffle: haha yeah i can't wait. definitely excited

hammertime: do you feel ready?

stoffel waffle: err yeah? i mean, i feel like fernando has taught me a lot so i think i'm ready :)

seb: mcdad finally has a mcson ;) it's so beautiful. the mcfamily is finally complete

hammertime: but jenson isn't gonna be there tho

seb: oh yeah ;(

*

hammertime: now we just need to get you ready for the start of the season

stoffel waffle: ?

hammertime: well your excitement seems pretty... dim?

stoffel waffle: oh i thought

hammertime: YOU NEed to be more excited, man!

hammertime: you need to act like this is the best thing that's ever happened to you

stoffel waffle: it is though! i truly can't wait!

seb: formula 1 isn't a game. an opportunity to race at the pinnacle (lol) of motorsport could easily be taken away from you

stoffel waffle: i know

seb: JUST LIKE THAT

stoffel waffle: !!!

nano: sebastian please back off. you're putting him on edge

hammertime: yeah i agree

seb: sorry

stoffel waffle: it's... it's okay

nano: it needs to come naturally. and besides, stoffel already knows the pressure of racing so it isn't like it's anything new

seb: yeah i guess that's true

seb: but i still wanna see you be more excited mcwaffle!!!

stoffel waffle: erm okay

seb: say you're excited

stoffel waffle: i'm excited

seb: SAY IT LOUDER

stoffel waffle: I'M excited :)

hammertime: welp

nano: there it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE MCHONDA IS ORANGE. I REPEAT, THE MCHONDA IS ORANGE!!! I'M HIGHKEY IN LOVE


	8. savagery

seb: LOOOOOOOOOOL FERNANDO IS SO SAVAGE

hammertime: well we knew that already but what's he said now?

seb: HEY DANIEL LOOK AT THIS

honey badger: OH SHIT

hammertime: what's he said????

seb: now i wish that fernando was your teammate instead

seb: sorry valtteri

botsass: it's okay. i understand

seb: BUT OH MY GOD

hammertime: guys just tell me what he FUCKING SAID

seb: ...

honey badger: ...

hammertime: WHAT THE FUCK

*

hammertime: yo fernando what the fuck is this??

nano: ?

hammertime: THIS

nano: oh

nano: lol

hammertime: NO NO 'LOL' WHAT THE FUCK MAN

nano: well, you kind of deserve it

nano: you go on and on about how teammates shouldn't share data with each other. but if you had done that last year, then maybe you'd be world champion again

nano: you could have taken some tips from nico :)

hammertime: what the fuck

nano: so you see, it's just common sense

hammertime: ...

hammertime: you are evil

hammertime: you know, i'm glad we're not teammates again because it'd just bring back bad memories

nano: it would've been fun though, no?

hammertime: i guess

hammertime: we'd probably make toto age 10 years lol

nano: just like we did to ron lol

hammertime: :)

nano: :)

*

_when asked about whether he had considered fernando alonso for the mercedes seat, toto wolff stated, "yeah, but thank fuck we didn't."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fernando is savage, and he and lewis bond over ruining peoples lives. also, toto is grateful for missed opportunities


	9. lightweight central

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honorary "people get drunk" chapter!!!!

seb: lew

seb: lewlewwwwwwww

hammertime: what?

seb: i luvet youyr

hammertime: ...

hammertime: are you drunk?

seb: No, I am perfectly finwe

seb: *fiewn

seb: wait

hammertime: wait, who's with you? everyone knows you're not to be trusted with your phone when you're like this

seb: ferndjo mark and kimu the gaNGS ALL HERE!!!111

hammertime: oh god. i'm guessing mark and kimi are keeping an eye on you two?

seb: its sho funnnnnnn!! ferano is compltly wasthed

hammertime: i think you both are, dude

seb: noo no no nonononononooononon

hammertime: why don't you get some rest, okay bud?

seb: ooooookay

hammertime: hey kimi, you there?

bwoah: yes

hammertime: everything okay over there?

bwoah: at the moment, yes. i do not think it is long before fernando passes out

hammertime: you think mark can handle him until then?

bwoah: yes. fernando is, as sebastian... said, completely wasted. he does not move much

hammertime: you have no idea how relieved i am to hear you say that

bwoah: i have an idea

hammertime: ...

*

nano: i love you

webboh: yes fernando, i love you too

nano: i love tou so mucb

buttons: aww isn't this sweet. brings a tear to my eye ;)

nano: JENSBHON

buttons: yes mate?

nano: i luve you

webboh: hey! i thought you said you loved me?

nano: i lvo eyou botgh

nano: yuore bothd greta

nano: i don;'t knwis whatd i'd do without ryotu

webboh: you'd live

nano: noooooooooooooo

_nano changed webboh name to mARHk_

nano: oops

buttons: hey nando, i have a question for you

nano: ???

buttons: you say you love us both, right?

nano: yeah

buttons: but who do you love the most?

nano: !!!!!!! nooooooooono

nano: don't don't don;'t

mAHRk: you okay there mate?

mAHRk: oh

buttons: what?

mAHRk: i think he passed out

buttons: y'know, i think we should get him drunk more often. it's entertaining as hell

mAHRk: you got that right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sebastian and fernando are total lightweights. pray to end lewis's suffering. kimi doesn't really care. mark and jenson short circuited drunk fernando's brain


	10. forza ferrari

hammertime: congrats seb

seb: GRAZIE

seb: FORZA FERRARI

hammertime: yeah okay we get the idea

_princess joined the chat_

hammertime: wait a minute

hammertime: did you guys see that?

bwoah: yes

hammertime: so i'm not just seeing things?

bwoah: no

princess: hey :)

seb: NICOOOOOOOOOOOO

princess: hey seb lol congratulations on the win. forza ferrari!

seb: FORZA FERRARIIIIIIII

hammertime: great you got him started again

princess: also valtteri, good job on getting 3rd place. you'll fit in well :)

botsass: oh... well, thank you

princess: and how could i forget? congrats on 2nd place. you chasing seb was an intense moment

hammertime: yeah well i couldn't catch up to him. he was simply faster

princess: you'll win next time :)

seb: DOV'E LA VITTORIA?

princess: or you could just let him have his moment it's up to you really

*

stoffel waffle: fernando, are you okay?

nano: i'm fine

stoffel waffle: erm

buttons: heeeeeeeeey, how are my 2 fave mchonda drivers?

stoffel waffle: we're the only 2 mchonda drivers??

buttons: exactly

stoffel waffle: ?

buttons: ANYWAY you both had a great race today. you both really killed it

nano: if by 'it' you mean the car, then yes i did really kill it

nano: it's in a scrapheap where it belongs

buttons: fernando...

stoffel waffle: but you lasted for so long!! it's not your fault that the car had an issue, you drove amazingly!

webboh: they're right, you know

nano: ?

webboh: you held off esteban for so long, i didn't think you were gonna let go of 10th!

buttons: yeah come on mate, don't cheat on 5th

nano: :/

buttons: don't give me that face

webboh: you should feel really proud :) you'll always be the winner in my eyes

nano: :)

seb: FORZA FERRARI

nano: get out

webboh: get out

buttons: get out

stoffel waffle: get out

seb: D:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sebastian has ferrari fever, and nico returns. stoffel, jenson, and mark cheer up fernando but then seb ruins it


	11. BROTP

seb: pls don't retire

hammertime: who is this directed at?

seb: *points at fernando*

hammertime: right okay can you just, like, send messages like a normal person. none of this asterisk action bullshit

seb: rude

seb: but yeah nando are you gonna retire pls say no

nano: idk maybe

seb: D:

nano: it's... it's too early to tell?

seb: *SADNESS INTENSIFIES*

nano: erm okay i won't...?

seb: :)

hammertime: you love to live in denial don't you?

*

seb: HEY NANDO I KNOW HOW TO CHANGE YOUR MIND

_i.love.fernando.alonso was invited to the chat_

i.love.fernando.alonso: why is this my name?

seb: because you love fernando alonso

i.love.fernando.alonso: i can't even argue with that

nano: who the hell is this

i.love.fernando.alonso: wow i'm offended

seb: DUDE HE'S YOUR FRIEND

nano: ...robert?

i.love.fernando.alonso: yes :)

nano: :)

seb: wow i'm actually tearing up ;_;

nano: why are you here?

i.love.fernando.alonso: i have absolutely no idea

nano: run while you still can!!!

i.love.fernando.alonso: not without you :):)

seb: DUDE BROTP 4 LYFE

i.love.fernando.alonso: but while i'm here i guess i can just say that whatever you want to do with your life, no one's stopping you. i'll be with you every step of the way

nano: thank you :) by the way, what's up with your username?

i.love.fernando.alonso: sebastian chose it. i thought it was weird at first but i guess i can see why. you were always the one i've supported the most

nano: you've always been my best friend

i.love.fernando.alonso: the feeling is mutual. i can't think of anyone better :)

nano: :)

seb: D: BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEE????????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> robert/fernando best brotp
> 
> can you tell who my fave is yet lol


	12. april fools! (but not really)

seb: hey guys i have some bad news

seb: i'm... i'm retiring

hammertime: ?

bwoah: sebastian?

seb: i'm sorry kimi but the time has come

seb: i'm pulling a nico and jenson

hammertime: erm, seb?

seb: don't cry, it'll all be over soon

bwoah: i don't know how i feel about this

seb: KIMI DON'T CRY

hammertime: dude, if this is a prank then i hate to break it to ya but april fools was yesterday

seb: wait what

bwoah: oh

felipe: are you kidding me. you couldn't even look at a calendar?

seb: well you know what felipe if i retired AT LEAST I'D STAY RETIRED

felipe: that's a low blow

nano: what's going on?

hammertime: seb said he was retiring

nano: really?!

hammertime: don't get excited, it was a prank. he didn't realise that it's not april fools anymore

nano: GODDAMNIT

bwoah: i feel so happy all of a sudden

hammertime: ?

bwoah: sebastian is not retiring

bwoah: :)

bwoah: excuse me for a moment

seb: hey felipe we're gonna fight about this later but for now i have to go hug kimi because i feel so guilty. HE ACTUALLY BELIEVED ME

*

buttons: OH MY GOD GUYS

buttons: IT'S THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN

buttons: KIMI AND SEBASTIAN. HUGGING. I'M CRYING

buttons: KIMI'S SMILE IS SO BEAUTIFUL

buttons: SOMEONE GIVE ME A CAMERA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was gonna do one for april fools but i missed it lol so have this instead


	13. the godfather (wars)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated to anonymous who sent me this idea on tumblr - you rock!

seb: hey kimi

bwoah: hm?

seb: you know... i've always loved robin like my own son

bwoah: is this going where i think it's going?

seb: and since you and minttu are having another baby, i was just thinking...

bwoah: you want to be godfather

seb: i want to be godfather, yes

honey badger: HEY NO WHAT ABOUT ME

seb: why would he pick you? you hardly speak to one another

honey badger: hey!! we speak!!

seb: yeah maybe in bizarro world

seb: and what about you lew? you've been suspiciously quiet... you plotting ways to steal my godfather-status from me? EH?

hammertime: to be completely honest with you, i don't care

hammertime: i'm gonna go talk to toto, see ya

honey badger: well that was Easy™

seb: hmmmmm too Easy™

bwoah: out of the two of you, i think sebastian is more likely

honey badger: :(

seb: wait does that mean...?

bwoah: yes

seb: YES

seb: also isn't toto having a kid as well?

honey badger: and why would lewis talk to him unless

honey badger: ...

seb: dude

honey badger: SHIT

*

toto: Why would you introduce me to this?

hammertime: it's an easy way to talk to each other without being face to face

toto: I guess that's true

toto: Anyway, what is it you wanted to speak to me about?

hammertime: well, since you and susie are having a child, i was just wondering whether i could be godfather

toto: Well, at least you get straight to the point

hammertime: i know it's a stretch

toto: Susie and I will definitely think about it

hammertime: wait what

toto: It's not a terrible idea

hammertime: thanks

hammertime: i think

*

seb: HEY GUYS GUESS WHO KIMI PICKED TO BE GODFATHER

seb: IT'S ME

nano: oh wow who would've thought

buttons: it's not like you and kimi are really close or anything

seb: oh wow i feel like there's too much negative energy in this chat right now, and i don't think it's good for the baby to be around it :/

nano: minttu isn't even here

seb: yeah but still

buttons: shut up seb

seb: hey i'm just being a good godfather!

buttons: technically he didn't even pick you, he just said that you'd be the more likely choice

seb: oh and who told you this?

nano: guess

nano: it was daniel

seb: i didn't even have time to guess...

nano: :)

buttons: anyway yeah he's going around whining to everybody about how "life is unfair" and how "the universe obviously hates him and wants him to die a sad, lonely death"

buttons: i'm pretty sure felipe's going to snap soon, if he hasn't already

seb: oh

*

honey badger: WHY DIDN'T HE PICK ME

honey badger: I'M AMAZING WITH KIDS

honey badger: JUST LOOK AT ME AND FELIPINHO

felipe: i am going to kill you

honey badger: D:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> has felipe had an aneurysm yet? he's angry in every chapter he's been in and i'm getting worried


	14. indy 500

hammertime: wait so you're gonna be missing the monaco gp

nano: yes

seb: because you're racing in the indy 500

nano: yeah

seb: ...

seb: OH MY GOS NANDO I'M SO HPPY FOR YU

nano: thanks :)

hammertime: who's gonna replace you?

nano: erm i actually don't know?

buttons: hello children

hammertime: 

nano: 

seb: JENSON OH MY GOD

hammertime: dude chill no one's confirmed it yet

seb: YET

hammertime: dude

seb: okay okay i think i've calmed down now

hammertime: you sure?

seb: yeah

buttons: nando, mate, show indy what you're made of, yeah?

nano: :):):)

seb:

hammertime: seb?

seb:

hammertime: oh no

seb: I'M WEEPING

hammertime: DUDE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sebastian's reactions are based off of mine lol


	15. fuck off honda

nano: i hate honda

hammertime: nando

nano: i really fucking hate honda

seb: fernando :(

nano: 2 laps from the end i could have made it but no obviously not why should i ever make it to the end??

hammertime: look man at least you got that far

nano: yeah but i didn't finish did i? as a matter of fact, have i finished any race since the start of the season? no? I FUCKING THOUGHT NOT

_nano has left the group chat session_

seb: lew... i think he's gonna do something. i have a bad feeling

hammertime: yeah me too. well, congrats on winning i guess

seb: thanks

hammertime: forza ferrari and all that

seb: yeah

hammertime:

seb:

seb: JENSON I SUMMON THEE

buttons: what

seb: GO LOOK AFTER FERNANDO. HE NEEDS IT

buttons: i was gonna do that anyway but okay

_buttons has left the group chat session_

seb: NICO I SUMMON THEE ALSO

princess: hello :)

seb: LET'S CELEBRATE MY WIN IN THE PROPER WAY!!

seb: WITH ACTUAL CELEBRATION!!

princess: FORZA

seb: FERRARI

princess: FORZA

seb: FERRARI

hammertime: forza ferrari

seb: lew you fucked it

princess: dude

hammertime:

hammertime: PRAYER CIRCLE FOR FERNANDO AND STOFFEL

seb: PRAYER

princess: CIRCLE

hammertime: prayer circle

princess: you're just doing this on purpose now aren't you

hammertime: ;)

*

_chili and just-strolling were added to the group chat_

chili: ?

honey badger: fight it out

just-strolling: um

honey badger: fiGHT it out

_honey badger left the group chat session_

chili:

just-strolling:

just-strolling: should we?

chili: no

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so angry and in actual pain


	16. toto can't deal with this shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another prompt from anon! thank you!!!!

nano: hi toto

toto: ...Yes?

nano: i just wanted to say that i admire you. i think you are a wonderful and inspirational human being

toto: Thank you?

toto: Wait a minute.

nano: i know i said that i didn't want to drive for mercedes and that i'd rather stay with mclaren but please

toto: Fernando...

nano: i'm begging you. i'm suffering. don't let me die there toto... PLEASE

toto: Fernando, I can't do this right now.

nano: NO PLEASE

buttons: i am so sorry toto, sir, he's just kinda out of it right now

toto: It's okay, erm, make sure he gets lots of rest.

buttons: i will don't worry about it

toto: I'll make sure I won't.

*

princess: hello sir

toto: Please don't, I've already had something like this from Fernando.

princess: when did fernando talk to you?

princess: ACTUALLY don't even tell me i'll get the details from jenson later

toto: What do you want?

princess: now don't get me wrong i love retirement but i would love (LOVE!!) to be able to take one last drive?

toto: I would love to say yes but because I also love to shatter your hopes and dreams I'll have to say no.

princess: i thought what we had was special

toto: We had nothing.

princess: *just drive starts playing muffled in the distance*

toto: Are you drunk?

princess: no

princess: maybe

princess: I WANNA BE THE ONLY ONE TO MAKE IT TO THE LIGHT

princess: TAKE IT TO THE EDGE WHERE I HAVE DIED A THOUSAND TIMES

toto: Nico.

princess: okay yes

*

toto: Lewis, are you going to talk about anything useful or am I going to have to lose my temper and yell really loudly?

hammertime: depends on whether this pisses you off

hammertime: but please don't make fernando my teammate

hammertime: valtteri's already fitting in, dude, he got a fucking pole position for fucks sake. his first one!!!

toto: I wasn't even going to consider it, but thanks for your input. As a matter of fact, I, and everyone else, think that your previous hostility with each other would put the team in a very difficult situation.

hammertime: wow

hammertime: i mean i like the dude but i wouldn't have said that he'd cause the team any trouble

hammertime: we actually win races so he probably wouldn't even get pissed off lol

toto: That is a good point but we still can't risk it.

hammertime: ah well, i'll just tell him then

toto: No don't!

*

nano: TOTO

toto: NO.

*

toto: Okay I have had it with you three!

hammertime: dude

toto: No! Don't you dare 'dude' me, Lewis Hamilton. You told him when I explicitly told you not to!

nano: you weren't going to tell me...?

toto: I was going to let you down gently but that idiot went against my wishes.

toto: Fernando, we would love for you to be in our team but at the moment you really need to get a good grip on your emotions. You're frustrated, we can see that, but you can't just fly into a rage every time things get bad, okay?

nano: okay

toto: Really? Wow, that was easy.

hammertime: you could say it was... Easy™

toto: Shut up Lewis.

toto: Nico... just sleep the hangover off.

princess: yes sir

toto: You have to remember that I have to deal with a baby now. I'm tired. I can't be dealing with all three of your problems when I already have so much to deal with. You're grown ass men, deal with it on your own.

hammertime: i think we just got told

nano: yep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i'm calm now lol


	17. we need to talk

buttons: okay so you guys may be wondering why i've gathered you here today

felipe: not really

buttons: BUT i just want to talk to you guys about something that's been bothering me recently

nano: and lewis and sebastian can't hear about this?

buttons: NO

buttons: well they can but i don't really want them to

buttons: basically has anyone else noticed that they seem to be getting really friendly with each other lately???

honey badger: YES THANK GOD IT ISN'T JUST ME

chili: they have a really close friendship though

buttons: my dear sweet precious carlitos, you are so innocent

buttons: too innocent to understand that what lewis and seb have isn't simply just a friendship... it's a bond

_hammertime and seb joined the chat_

buttons: oh no

hammertime: what the fuck

buttons: OH NO

honey badger: ABORT MISSION

hammertime: we leave for 5 minutes and you can't help but start gossiping about us

buttons: errrrrr

honey badger: gossip??? lol we weren't gossiping

hammertime: i'm looking at the fucking history of this chat. i can see every single goddamn message dan

honey badger: oh

seb: what were you talking about anyway?

honey badger: nothing!!!

felipe: how you and lewis have something going on

seb: ???

felipe: you're more than friends

seb: !!!

hammertime: WHAT

bwoah: what

buttons:

honey badger:

nano:

seb:

seb: pls kimi

bwoah: seb

seb: pls

bwoah: we need to talk

seb: kimi pls no

nano: "we need to talk" the most hated phrase in the english language

_seb and bwoah have left the group chat_

nano: should we call an ambulance

buttons: probably yeah

*

toto: Does anyone know why Lewis is hiding in my office, muttering something about a murderous Finn and ice cream knives?

buttons: no

honey badger: nope

nano: who the fuck is lewis

toto: Thanks for the help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;););)


	18. rip

seb: *screeches*

seb: VAL!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

botsass: thank you :)

seb: KIMI!!!!!!

bwoah: :)

hammertime: yeah congrats valtteri on the win. we're all really proud of you

botsass: it's been a long time coming

seb: DAMN RIGHT IT HAS

*

nano: i'm so damn proud of both of you

stoffel waffle: :):):)

chili: :)

nano: you both finished and i just

stoffel waffle: ?

chili: we just did it for you

stoffel waffle: yeah!

nano:

nano: oh my god

nano: that's more than i could have ever asked for... and you did it for me???

chili: are you okay?

nano: NO

*

seb: where are the others we need to celebrate!!!!

honey badger: fernando, stoffel and carlos can't come because reasons

felipe: ???

honey badger: last time i checked, fernando was crying while carlos and stoffel hugged him. it was a very sad sight. i almost hugged him myself but alas i had to watch from afar.

felipe: REALLY???

seb: that sounds so sad D:

nano: what sounds sad?

seb:

felipe:

honey badger:

nano: erm anyway congratulations valtteri :)

botsass: thank you

seb:

seb: do you want a hug

nano: no?

seb:

nano: NO

felipe: rest in peace

hammertime: you'll always be in our hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so happy for valtteri but so sad for fernando. but YEEEEEEEEEEES VALTTERI


	19. fernando doesn't brake for birds

seb: lewis

hammertime: yeah?

seb: do you know where fernando is

hammertime: er no… why?

seb:

hammertime: seb

seb:

hammertime: sebastian

seb:

hammertime: SEBASTIAN

seb: HE KILLED BIRDS!!! HE DIDN’T BREAK FOR THE BIRDS!!!

hammertime: wat

seb: those poor birds… he should’ve braked

hammertime: maybe he didn’t see them???

seb: no it was too perfectly nailed for it to be an accident

*

hammertime: run

nano: ??? why

hammertime: just stay out of seb’s way for a while

nano: don’t need to ask me twice

*

felipe: i can’t believe he made a memorial to random birds

honey badger: i know right??? i mean fernando killed them. so what??

seb: WHAT

felipe: oh no

seb: WHAT DID YOU SAY

_honey badger has left the group chat_

seb: GET BACK HERE!!!

_seb has left the group chat_

felipe: why did i ever come back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone remember the seagull incident??? lmao yeah who doesn't


	20. *hacker voice* i'm in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompt from tumblr anon - thank you :)

toto: what is this??

seb: ???

hammertime: toto, my man, you okay?

toto: oh i'm not toto

seb:

hammertime:

seb: *screams in fear of the unknown*

seb: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH TOTO WOLFF????

toto: it's me susie! :)

hammertime: oh

seb: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh okay

hammertime: one question: why have you got toto's phone?

toto: i didn't realise you guys had a group chat... i was just wondering why i wasn't invited

seb: we would have invited you if we had known you wanted to join :(

seb: now i feel so guilty

toto: oh no don't feel guilty!

seb: TOO LATE

*

toto: I can't believe my own wife hacked my phone

hammertime: it's a shock to all of us, sir

susie: i just wanted to be involved!

toto: You could have just asked

seb: well you have your own account now so yay!

susie: :)

hammertime: honestly for a moment we thought you'd lost it lol

toto:

hammertime: haha

toto:

toto: Meet me in my office in 10 minutes

hammertime: yes sir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love susie bye


	21. seb's got balls?

hammertime: man i am so freakin exhausted, like DUDE

seb: yeah we can tell, you sound like you're about to give birth any second now

hammertime:

seb: ANYWAY congrats on the win. had some pretty awesome battles out there

hammertime: yeah, got a bit tough there for a while

seb: mhm

hammertime: i just gotta say though

seb: ?

hammertime: how do you fit in the car? y'know, with those giant balls??

seb: ah

hammertime: I MEAN, like, all those overtakes?? unreal

seb: it's just racing isn't it?

hammertime: shit dude you're right

*

nano: YES

chili: :)

nano: I FINALLY FINISHED MY GOD IT'S BEEN 84 YEARS

stoffel waffle: everyone knew you could do it! we all had faith in you

chili: it's your home gp so only makes sense for you to finish

nano: WHO'S LAUGHING NOW!!!

stoffel waffle: is this what he's always like when things like this happen??

chili: i have no idea

nano: BYE SUCKERS I'M GOING TO AMERICA

nano: carlos, stoffel i love you both dearly i will miss you both very much

nano: BUT INDY HERE I COME

_nano has left the group chat_

chili: it's nice to see him happy

stoffel waffle: yeah

chili:

stoffel waffle:

stoffel waffle: you wanna go get a drink?

chili: that'd be great

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so full of emotions i'm so overwhelmed
> 
> also this may be the last update for a while bc of exams, i'm not abandoning this story though so don't worry :)


	22. monaco woes

seb: FORZA FERRARI

bwoah: yeah

seb: D:

seb: kimi please

bwoah: i need to take a moment

seb: NO KIMI PLS

princess: it's okay kimi, i know how it feels

hammertime: yo dude what's your damage?

princess: :)

seb: kimi

bwoah: bye

_bwoah has left the group chat_

seb: NOOOOOOOOO

hammertime: shit i've never seen him be like this before

princess: i'll go after him don't worry

_princess has left the group chat_

*

buttons: so i've definitely not missed this :)

nano: yeah but it was nice to see you back

buttons: what a lovely surprise, though, hearing your voice over the radio

nano: well you know me, i'm always full of surprises :)

buttons: that you are, you cheeky monkey

buttons: stay safe, yeah?

nano: i will, for you

buttons: couldn't ask for anything more, mate

nano: talk to stoffel for me though

buttons: oh, sure!

nano: just make sure he's alright

nano: retiring while in the points don't end well for anybody

buttons: ha! speaking from experience?

nano: hey! no good to joke when you know as well as i do

buttons: damn you are on fire today

nano: :)

buttons: hope you do well though. let the indy 500 know what you're made of

buttons: don't stop fighting

nano: i wouldn't be me if i did :)

buttons: that's what i wanted to hear!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not going to shut up about the radio message from fernando to jenson. i'm thriving.


	23. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

seb: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
hammertime: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
princess: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
buttons: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
honey badger: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
felipe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
stoffel waffle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
webboh: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
chili: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
bwoah: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

*

seb: right okay who is going to join me on a rampage through honda hq????

buttons: i, for one, am ready for this rampage :) :) :) :)

chili: HE WAS SO CLOSE D:

seb: that he was, carlitos, that he was... but of course honda would fuck him senseless

honey badger: they didn't even buy him dinner first!

buttons: that's just tragic

webboh: okay who jinxed it???

felipe: he was doing so well and then the engine blew... can't say i'm surprised but there was always that hope

webboh: WHO FUCKING JINXED IT

hammertime: damn mark's on the warpath

buttons: hey hey mark, why don't we go and message him, hm? we can all cry about it together

seb: WE'RE ALL COMING TOO

seb: IT'LL BE A CRY FEST

seb: BECAUSE FERNANDO ONLY DESERVES THE BEST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let it be known that the indy 500 fucked me and i actually cried when fernando retired. goodbye


	24. baby

seb: so did you cry?

hammertime: what?

seb: when tony kanaan dissed you at the indycar gala

hammertime: what the fuck NO

honey badger: dude you cried a little

hammertime: no i didn't shut the fuck up

hammertime: how do you know he was even talking about me he could have been talking about anyone

seb:

honey badger: dude... it was a direct response to what you said

seb: also fernando's reaction was everyone's reaction lol it was like "OOOOOOOOOOOOOH"

hammertime: seb

felipe: it's true

hammertime: FELIPE

felipe: you kind of brought it upon yourself

smedles: baby

_felipe and smedles left the group chat_

hammertime: what the fuck

seb: is that what rob (was that rob?) does to get felipe to go with him????? i am confuzzled

hammertime: i don't want to understand their relationship I DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND

seb: hey it's okay we know you want to have the same closeness with fernando

hammertime: please don't start that again or else i will actually throttle you

honey badger: WAIT

honey badger: WHAT

honey badger: WHERE DID FELIPE GO

honey badger: WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS FOR YOUUUUUUUU YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE


	25. world's smallest violin

seb: i think lewis is still crying 

honey badger: about what?

seb: the senna helmet

honey badger: oh

honey badger: yeah he is

felipe: how do you even know?

honey badger: because he’s right there. i’m staring right at him

honey badger: oh no

seb: WHAT WHAT’S HAPPENED

honey badger: I’VE BEEN SPOTTED ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION

seb: DAN GET OUT OF THERE

honey badger: HE’S TOO FAST. IC ANT TEIPE WHIDE RUNNING F

seb: DAN

honey badger: HELJSD

seb: dANIEL

seb: dan???

seb: *world’s smallest violin*

seb: we are gathered here today to honour the passing of daniel ricciardo

felipe: rest in piece

*

chili: lewis just ran straight into daniel

chili: like… no hesitation just ran right into him

stoffel waffle: wat

chili: he made sure that senna’s helmet was out of harm's way though

chili: of course

nano: good for him

chili: daniel’s still trying to type

chili: i want to go and help him

nano: don’t. you’ll just make lewis pissed at you and you’re too young and innocent to face lewis’ anger

chili: he’s not even angry he’s just

chili: you know what never mind

stoffel waffle: erm

stoffel waffle: well anyway i just wanted to say… do you wanna hang out??? like both of you??? maybe jenson and mark as well?????

chili: sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nano: i will once i am released from this house

stoffel waffle: ????

nano: after i was fucked in the race by honda i gave the fans what they wanted and i seemed to have been somehow invited round to this couple’s house??

chili: ?

nano: yeah i don’t know either

nano: they’re very nice people but i can’t stay here any longer. i feel like i’m losing my mind

stoffel waffle:

chili:

nano:

chili: we’ll be there in an hour


	26. podiums and points

honey badger: LAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEE my boy

just-strolling: i can't believe it! my first podium!!

botsass: congratulations :)

just-strolling: thank you

honey badger: savour this moment! your first podium will always stick with you

honey badger: val can tell you just as much

botsass: it really does

just-strolling: i just... well...

just-strolling: erm

honey badger: it's the shoey isn't it

just-strolling: yeah

honey badger: i am so sorry

botsass: are you?

honey badger: no

honey badger: sorry

just-strolling: i understand

*

webboh: GET THE GODDAMN CONFETTI CANNONS

buttons: FERNANDO FERNANDO FERNANDO FERNANDO FERNANDO

chili: mclaren don't deserve you

stoffel waffle: we don't deserve you

webboh: DAMN RIGHT WE DON'T

nano: :)

buttons: i can't believe it! after so long, so many races, and it happens in baku - the one track which is just basically one big straight!

nano: :)))))))))

webboh: AM I SWEATING OR AM I CRYING. THIS IS ONE OF LIFE'S BIG QUESTIONS

buttons: i think you're crying, mate lol

chili: yeah

stoffel waffle: hmmmmmmmmmm

nano: :))))))))))))))))))

buttons: we are getting so WASTED

nano: WE BETTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm crying and scream. i'm scream-crying. don't fucking touch me BC FERNANDO BROUGHT MCLAREN THEIR FIRST POINTS. MY BOY DID THAT. lay me to rest. rip in pieces


	27. uwu

honey badger: congratulations val :)

botsass: thank you! 

honey badger: you’re on FIYAH!!!!

botsass: yeah!!

honey badger: you also look like the ‘uwu’ emoji!

botsass: thanks!! 

botsass:

botsass: wait what

honey badger: CONGRATULATIONS

honey badger: HIGH FIVE VAL

botsass: *high five*

honey badger: fuck you’re cute

*

mad max: i think i know how fernando feels now

chili: :(

mad max: it sucks

mad max: the worst feeling in the world

chili: it’ll get better!

mad max: but what if it doesn’t though?

mad max: carlos i don’t think i can handle this anymore. i’m retiring more than i’m racing

mad max: this isn’t how it’s supposed to be

chili: max…

mad max: goddamn it

chili: :(

mad max: :(

*

nano: wow i got FUCKED UP today

nano: austria!!! turn 1!!! people!!!

nano: didn’t even make it around the first corner on the first lap!!! 

nano: WOW

nano: i am tempted to punch something lol

nano: hey do you hear that? that’s the sound of my heart getting RIPPED OUT OF MY CHEST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love val and fernando may honestly be a little drunk in this chapter lmao  
> ALSO I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS THE FIRST APPEARANCE OF MAX???? WHAT???


	28. live london

honey badger: i thought we weren’t supposed to do donuts

honey badger: like… we were told not to

seb: you did them as well

honey badger: HA WELL YOU SEE THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG

honey badger: they were merely controlled slides

seb: yeah okay lol

honey badger: >:(

*

stoffel waffle: that was such a good event!

buttons: it really was. good for the fans, for us, for the sport in general

buttons: well that’s my appearance done for the next few months lol

chili: too bad not everyone could be there

buttons: oh yeah! lewis wasn’t there was he?

chili: nope

nano: where was he?

buttons: greece?

stoffel waffle: yeah i think so

nano: oh

nano: nice

chili: i’ve always wanted to go to greece. seems like a nice country

nano: it is a nice country. very beautiful. i’ll take you there someday

chili: :)

buttons: hey how about we all go, hm? 

nano: maybe we can take lewis along as well. just chill out. away from everything.

nano: no bullshit

stoffel waffle: yeah!

*

honey badger: my mcfamily senses are tingling

seb: what   


m ad max: what

honey badger: i’m sorry i’ve gotta go

_ honey badger left the chat _

*

princess: my lewis defense senses are tingling

bwoah: great

bwoah: that’s nice

princess: i’m sorry i’ve gotta go

_ princess left the chat _

bwoah: okay

*

honey badger: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

princess: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH


	29. legendary

hammertime: are you kidding me

hammertime: ARE YOU KIDDING ME

hammertime: HOW

hammertime: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE

nano: ;)

hammertime: NO DON’T GIVE ME A WINKY FACE GIVE ME A REAL ANSWER

nano: ;)))))))

hammertime: STOP

nano: ;)))))))))))))))))))

hammertime: STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP

*

honey badger: p1???

honey badger: NICE

nano: :)

*

felipe: how did you even manage that?

nano:  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

felipe: i should’ve expected that

*

buttons: OH MY GOD

buttons: I’M LIVING

buttons: THAT’S MY BOY

buttons: I COULD KISS YOU RIGHT NOW

nano: :D

buttons: I LOVE YOU

*

nano: okay so i’m gonna take a picture and frame this

nano: and look at it when i feel sad

nano: because this is the best thing ever lol

nano: FUCKING LOOK AT THIS

*

nano: NEVERMIND

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LEGENDARY ABSOLUTELY LEGENDARY but then with grid penalties and dropping out of q2 it was ruined but I'M STILL ON LIVING!!!!


	30. great

hammertime: YES VAL!

botsass: :)

botsass: you won though so you deserve more praise than me 

hammertime: don’t do that, man, you came 2nd 

hammertime: i’m gonna pour so much praise onto you you’ll be begging me to stop

botsass: :/

hammertime: i am so sorry that came out wrong

bwoah: hi

hammertime: hey!

bwoah: that was a good race

botsass: it was :)

bwoah: 3rd is a good place

bwoah: i like 3rd

botsass: :o

hammertime: erm

bwoah: 2nd would’ve been better

bwoah: 2nd reminds me of better days

hammertime: …………...

bwoah: i really like punctures. they give me hope for the future

_ hammertime left the chat _

_ botsass left the chat _

bwoah: okay

*

nano: my soul is wilting

buttons: oh god

nano: i can feel myself fading day by day

stoffel waffle: what’s happening?

nano: i live a life full of these moments, it seems

chili: i didn’t know bad races turned him into a poet

chili: nice

webboh: i’m on it

_ webboh left the chat _

_ nano left the chat _

buttons: shit

stoffel waffle: :(

buttons: children, if your father ignores you, don’t take it to heart. he’s just angry as fuck and we know why

chili: :(((((((((((

*

honey badger: I’M SOARING!!!! FLYING!!!!!!

honey badger: THERE’S NOT A STAR IN HEAVEN THAT I CAN’T REACH

honey badger: I’M BREAKING FREE!!!!


	31. hap birth

seb: thank you

bwoah: ???

seb: for the race

bwoah: oh

seb: you didn't have to but you did

seb: and i sincerely thank you for that

bwoah: whatever i can do to help you, i will do

bwoah: that will never change

seb:

seb: GODDAMNIT I'M CRYING

*

botsass: i can't believe you did that

hammertime: well...

botsass: you could've gotten 3rd. you deserve it

hammertime: you deserved it more

hammertime: you were gonna get it anyway so why prolong the inevitable?

botsass: i... think i need a moment

hammertime: !!!!!!

hammertime: you okay???

botsass: 404 val.exe not found

hammertime: ...

hammertime: wow

botsass: :)

hammertime: dude

botsass: :))))

hammertime: :))))

*

buttons: okay but this???? this is the best birthday present in my humble opinion

nano: i can't agree more

buttons: p6!!! you were flying!!!

buttons: AND STOFFEL

stoffel waffle: we both finished!!!

buttons: I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW

nano: THE RAIN

stoffel waffle: HAS GONE

nano: the sun is so beautiful. i haven't seen it in so long

buttons: it really is! look at it and burn it to memory

stoffel waffle: don't look at it for too long though because blindness is a thing that exists!!!

buttons: THE WAFFLE IS RIGHT

*

kevni: i love sports

kevni: oh? you wanna know what sports i like beside f1??? alrighty then

kevni: football. dodgeball. baseball. basketball. volleyball

kevni: i also like doing cannonballs in pools

kevni: :)))))

kevni: i'm not bitter :)


	32. portal: f1 edition

mad max: goddamnit

nano: i know how you feel

nano: we’re in hell

mad max: with 20 feet of despair piled on top of us

nano:

nano: i never realised this before but wow you are relatable

*

seb: to be fair that race would’ve been less enjoyable if the track did explode though

honey badger: isn’t that what happened?

seb: ...okay now that you’ve said that i don’t know what to believe anymore

seb: i

seb: i’m

seb: i need to lie down

*

nano: i mean how hard is it to get a decent engine after 3 damn years?

mad max: i hear ya

mad max: i’ve retired so many times this year i’ve lost count

nano: i’d hug you but i’m chugging beer at the momebnt 

*

honey badger: this race was just 44 laps of me screaming whenever i got to eau rouge tbh

hammertime: i… can see that

seb: so you screamed every time?

honey badger: really takes a lot out of ya

hammertime: bro

*

nano: AND I WANNA BE THE ONLY ONE TO AMKE RIT TO THE LIGHT

nano: MAKE IT TO THE EDGE WHERE I HAVE DIED A THOUSAND S TIEMS

mad max: can i come with you to that light?

nano: it’s just a song, max

*

seb: i don’t think spa is real

hammertime: dude

honey badger: no i see where he’s going with this! on the same level, what if we were repeating lap 1 over and over but we just didn’t know! 

seb: eau rouge is the portal to the beginning of the track

honey badger: oh my god yes

hammertime: DUDE

*

nano: honda’s got me fucked up lol

mad max: same with red bull!!!

nano: anyway i’m gonna leave you now and go find mark or whoever the fuck

mad max: oh

mad max: bye

nano: things will get better, believe me. this is coming from the guy where everything is shit and, contrary to popular belief, everything does hurt

mad max: god i hope so

*

honey badger: there are only 2 other tracks with portals where lap 1 is a constant

seb: monaco and baku

honey badger: it’s like you are reading my mind

hammertime: BYE

_ hammertime left the chat _

*

nano: OH I JUST REMEMBERED

mad max: !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> F1 IS BACK!!!!!!!!


	33. monza

seb: what an interesting turn of events

just-strolling: OH MY GOD

just-strolling: ESTEBAN

estebanter: LANCE

hammertime: are we in bizarro world?

seb: *vague gesturing*

mad max: we were supposed to be up there

mad max: but bad luck is always around the corner

mad max: i'm gonna go find fernando. bye

honey badger: :(

honey badger: all by 

honey badger: MYSEEEEELLLLLFFFFFF

*

chili: have you seen fernando?

stoffel waffle: he's over there staring at jolyon

stoffel waffle: and jolyon is staring back at him...

chili: hmmm

chili: i don't think staring is the right word

stoffel waffle: glaring?

chili: yeah!

chili:

chili: ...is that max?

stoffel waffle: that mass of orange hiding behind the potted plant?

chili: yeah

stoffel waffle: yeah it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this is INCREDIBLY late. i started college a few weeks ago and i'm still settling in so my schedule's messed up. thank you guys for being patient :)


	34. singapore airlines

nano: why

mad max: why

bwoah:

bwoah: why

seb: well there goes my championship lead

nano: ...

nano: well there goes my will to live

*

chili: p4!!!!! i can't believe it!!!!

chili: i'm so happy i can't stop smiling

hammertime: you'd be able to rival dan with that, dude

honey badger: :)

hammertime: actually

hammertime: nah i think you have a bit to go yet

chili: :)))))))

hammertime: i'm

honey badger: :))))))))))))))))))))

chili: :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

hammertime: oh my god

*

palmtree: IN YOUR FACES RENAULT

palmtree: WOW

palmtree: YOU THINK YOU CAN FIRE ME? THINK AGAIN

palmtree: P6

palmtree: HOW'D YOU LIKE THEM APPLES

*

seb: you lasted 8 laps though

mad max: with really bad damage

seb: that's

bwoah: metal

nano: i know i'm metal you don't have to tell me

nano: i took flight

nano: singapore airlines

bwoah: that's funny

seb: lol 


	35. let's get ready to rumble

honey badger: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

hammertime: what

seb: hmm don't like this

honey badger: you 2 were like facing each other like you were about to throw down and the rest of us were gonna place bets

honey badger: god i wish

seb: are you guys actually placing bets?

hammertime:

honey badger:

seb:

honey badger: ...no

hammertime: dan

honey badger: not really

seb: hmmm

honey badger: you can't see this but i'm whistling nonchalantly at the moment

hammertime: i'm going to kill you

*

newgardening: i'm gonna get you outta this place

newgardening: mark my words

nano: you are so good to me

newgardening: i'd give you a hug if i could

nano: we're literally in the same room

newgardening:

newgardening: yeah but i feel like there's a wall between us that i just can't get over

nano: is that wall honda

newgardening: yes

newgardening: but i'll punch through it

newgardening: for you

nano: my heart just grew 10 sizes

*

bwoah: united states grand prix

bwoah: but every time max gets kicked out of the podium room

bwoah: it gets faster

mad max: are you kidding me

seb: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


	36. obrigado, felipe

seb: FORZA FERRARI

seb: GOOD RACE TO EVERYONE

seb: GRAZIE RAGAZZI

hammertime: this is never going to get old is it?

bwoah: no

hammertime: good talk

*

checo: i almost had you!

nano: yep

checo: i was literally right on your ass

nano: couldn’t have phrased it any better

checo: but you cross the line before i get to you

nano: that i did

felipe: it was a good battle. the three of us

felipe: 

felipe: it’s been fun

checo: obrigado

nano: obrigado, felipe

felipe: you guys

felipe: damn

nano: i have to leave now. i can’t deal with this

_ nano has left the group chat _

checo: he cares

felipe: i know

checo: he’s going to miss you

felipe: heh i know that as well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's so short but i'm s obbing over felipe and FELIPINHO'S MESSAGE just fuck me up f1


	37. finale

seb: so that’s it

seb: the end

hammertime: yep

seb:

hammertime:

seb: so what do we do now

botsass: what a way to end the season

botsass: i can’t believe it

hammertime: congrats dude!!

seb: you raise me up

hammertime:

botsass:

seb: so i can stand

seb:

seb: on mountains

hammertime: seb

botsass: ah

botsass: i see what he’s doing

seb: you

seb: raiSE ME UUUUUUUUUUUUUP

*

nano: so you didn’t get into the points

nano: but you were damn close

nano: well done

stoffel waffle: thanks dad

nano:

stoffel waffle:

honey badger: HAHAHAHAHAH OH Y GOSD

stoffel waffle: i mean

nano: i’m

nano: :’)

nano: come here

stoffel waffle: :)

honey badger: can i join?

nano: … yeah sure whatever

honey badger: :D

chili: 

nano:

stoffel waffle:

honey badger:

nano: carlos get your ass in here

chili: :D

*

felipe: so

smedles: so

felipe: it’s been fun

felipe: a lot of fun

smedles: 

felipe: i’m going to miss you

smedles: i’m going to miss you too

smedles:

smedles: now get out of here before i start crying

felipe: we all know you don’t cry

smedles: no i don’t but you’re the only one who’s ever managed to make me

felipe: :)

smedles: :)

smedles: thanks baby. for everything

felipe: :*

smedles: :*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end is here. it's weird that this is gonna be the last chapter, it almost feels like the end of a journey. thanks to everyone who read this - the ones who have been here from the start and the ones who have just started. this has been an amazing time for me and i appreciate every single one of you guys, not just for the amazing and kind comments (though they are a bonus) but for the fact that you gave this story a chance. i really couldn't do it without you guys. 
> 
> here's to 2018 ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Backfire](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10608981) by [CustardCreamies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CustardCreamies/pseuds/CustardCreamies)
  * [wtfbrocedes (#windbagsunited spin-off)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11490588) by [loadsoffandoms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/loadsoffandoms/pseuds/loadsoffandoms)




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